The Good Old Hockey Game
Possum Lodge challenges a group of curlers to a hockey match. Cast (in order of Appearance): , , , , , , , , Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, The Experts, Adventures With Bill, If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 5; The Red Green Show – 1997 Season DVD Commentary by Steve Smith STEVE SMITH: Uh, again, I mentioned Rick Green earlier, but again, we had things we wanted to say through the show, and in this one, what we called the "mid-life" part of the show, where I sit at the desk and tie a fly and talk about being an old guy, uh, I got to talk about angry people. This is something that Rick and I have always wondered. Sometimes, when you're talking to someone and they're angry, you automatically assume they're angry at you, but... they may in fact just plain be angry. Transcript {A title appears reading, "''The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}'' Intro HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} Whoo! And now, here he is, the lion in winter – more like lyin' on the living room couch, actually – your host, your hero, my uncle, Red Green! {Harold points toward the Lodge entrance, through which Red enters, wearing a coat. Outside, it visibly white with snow as winter has come. Red waves to the audience, who applauds.} RED GREEN: Thank you very much! All right. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the Lodge this week. Possum Lake has finally frozen right over. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, it doesn't really freeze, it congeals. RED GREEN: Well, whatever, Harold. The thing is, we can skate on it now. Man, we love that, to get out there and skate. 'Course, the problem now is we got these Yuppie cottagers up here. You know what they wanna do on the lake? They wanna go curling! HAROLD GREEN: No, no, that's excellent! RED GREEN: No... HAROLD GREEN: No, no, curling's excellent! It's a great sport! Oh, yeah, you should try curling, Uncle Red! RED GREEN: Harold, if Bernice sees me with a broom in my hand, it's all over, buddy! {back to audience} So we got– we got the classic argument going on now, y'know, 'cause we wanna be playing hockey and they wanna be curling, you know? So it's kinda like the cattle ranchers against the sheep farmers. HAROLD GREEN: Well, don't let them pull the wool over your ice. {laughs; to audience} "Wool over your ice," I said to him! Because it's like "Wool over your eyes," but it's different! {laughs again} I said that! RED GREEN: It's easy for you; you can change channels! Title sequence {''The New Red Green Show intro plays. Cut to a shot of the Possum Van, decked out like a snowplow, driving off on a snow-covered road.}'' RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this week's show. As you can see, we're going with kind of a winter... {Cut to a shot of Harold dressed as a hockey goalie, with the face mask done in a caricature of his own face.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...theme from beginning to end, getting into all different types of sports. There's... {Cut to a shot of Bill trying to stand on a snowboard, which slides down a hill, taking him with it.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...one type of sport right there. But don't worry, we're still going downhill fast. Plot Segment 2 {Red and Harold enter the Lodge. Red is carrying a sports bag, which he puts on the ground.} HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, I didn't think you had to be so rude to those curlers. RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, they were asking for it. You know what they were wearing? Matching sweaters. HAROLD GREEN: I thought they looked sharp! RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, you think acne looks sharp. Believe me, Harold, I was more than fair. I offered them a fair compromise. HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Yeah, right! You said they could use the rink from midnight till dawn. RED GREEN: That's when the ice is the best. HAROLD GREEN: How about the fact that it's pitch black and there's no lights out? RED GREEN: You don't have to see to curl, Harold! All you need is a high boredom tolerance, and matching sweaters. {picks up sports bag again} Anyway, we came up with a pretty good solution, I think. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, okay, okay! {to audience} You know what their solution was? I'll tell you because you don't know. You know what it is? All the guys in Possum Lodge challenged the curlers to a hockey game, and whoever wins gets first dibs on the ice. RED GREEN: {laughing} ''Yeah. We're gonna beat 'em so bad, they're gonna have to fly home on their brooms! ''{holds up sports bag} Yeah, went up in the attic there, got out all my old hockey equipment. I used to play for the Possum Lake Industrial League. {Red tips the bag over and spills out the contents: lots of beer cans and glass beer bottles. The audience cheers. Harold is outraged.} HAROLD GREEN: {shouting at audience} DON'T! DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM! RED GREEN: No... HAROLD GREEN: {shouting} Do not do that! RED GREEN: {overlapping} Harold? Harold? Harold? Harold? HAROLD GREEN: This is disgusting! Do not! RED GREEN: Harold? Harold? Harold, it's not– Harold? We were sponsored by our brewery, that's all, okay? It sure came in handy when we had to flood the rink. {Harold takes the bag and rummages through it.} HAROLD GREEN: I still think it's disgusting! What else you got in there? Like, guns and knives and mace and– and brass knuckles? {finds nothing inside the bag} RED GREEN: Just my jock, I think. Red's Campfire Song {Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.} RED GREEN: :Oh, a horse with a horn is called a unicorn. :A horse with stripes is called a zebra. :A horse with wings is called Pegasus. :And a horse with a broken leg is called glue. The Possum Lodge Word Game {Red and Dalton are seated at a table, and Harold stands behind them.} HAROLD GREEN: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! {laughs, then walks up closer to the table} Mr. Dalton Humphrey of the Humphrey Everything Store is playing for the grand prize of... {holds up whistle} ...this whistle! {laughs} Whistle's supplied by Murray's Outdoor Store. {Harold puts the whistle in his mouth and tries to blow it, but it makes no sound. Harold coughs.} HAROLD GREEN: Wonder why he donated it? That thing's broke! {gives whistle to Dalton} Unless, of course, I got some corn chips stuck in there from my retainer again. {Dalton tries to blow the whistle. Still, it makes no sound, but then the sounds of dogs barking are heard from offscreen. Red, Harold and Dalton all look around, confused.} HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red! RED GREEN: Yeah? HAROLD GREEN: You have thirty seconds to get Mr. Dalton Humphrey to say this word... {Dalton covers his ears while Harold pulls out and shows to the audience the sign displaying the game's featured word, which is...} HAROLD GREEN: Compromise. Compromise. {sets sign down on table} And go! {Dalton takes his hands away from his ears.} RED GREEN: All right, Dalton, a happy medium. DALTON HUMPHREY: The Amazing Kreskin. RED GREEN: No, no, when something is 50/50. DALTON HUMPHREY: A hundred! RED GREEN: Okay, okay, let's say you and your wife have an argument... DALTON HUMPHREY: Normal. RED GREEN: Okay, okay, but the two of you come to an agreement after a discussion, okay? There's been a... DALTON HUMPHREY: Miracle! RED GREEN: Okay, no, no, okay, you decide to do whatever she says... DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah? RED GREEN: ...because you... DALTON HUMPHREY: Misunderstood. RED GREEN: Okay, okay, the secret to gettin' the two of you to get along is to... DALTON HUMPHREY: ...threaten to cut off bedroom favors for an entire year. You know, she hates it when I threaten that. HAROLD GREEN: We're almost out of time, Uncle Red. RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, all right, all right. All right, Dalton? Dalton, you and your wife go into a furniture store, okay? She likes one couch, but you like another couch, okay? So you make a... DALTON HUMPHREY: Scene! Spectacle! Huge production! RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, okay, okay, let's go another way: you demand to buy your couch, okay, and your wife says, "Oh, c'mon, now, Dalton, you have to learn to..." DALTON HUMPHREY: "...sleep on your stupid couch." And I say, "Fine!" And then she says, "Fine!" And then we get into an argument, and I point out how she's wrong, and then she points out how I'm wrong, and then we just get steamed, and finally we just... BUY BOTH DAMN COUCHES AND PUT AN END TO IT! RED GREEN: You buy both couches? DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you gotta compromise! RED GREEN: There we go! {Red rings a bell on the table, ending the game. Dalton again takes the whistle, still trying vainly to blow it.} Handyman Corner {Red stands outside in falling snow, next to the Possum Van and holding a snow shovel.} RED GREEN: {holding up shovel} Right here is the second best way to shovel snow. You've seen the deal: just use this and then... {tosses shovel aside} Oh! Gosh, I've lost my shovel. {chuckles, then walks around to side of the van, with the Handyman Corner sign hanging from it} But if you're married, like I am, you know the cheesy excuses only work once. So this week on Handyman Corner... {removes sign from van, revealing a plain door leaning against van} we're gonna show you a better to plow snow: by makin' a snowplow! We're gonna actually use this door as our plow, because so far at the Lodge, we're not using it as a door. {Red picks up the door. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the door to the front of the Possum Van. A roll of duct tape hangs from the door.} RED GREEN: All right, you see, we have a... bit of a problem. The door's kinda sittin' low on the ground there. So we need something for it to slide on. Now, I could, uh– I could put a toboggan under there, or maybe one of those flying saucers, but then I remembered the handyman code, huh? Put something you don't use to good use. {picks up a pair of skis} So I'm gonna use these, uh, cross-country skis that Bernice gave me for my birthday after the check-up. They're a little bit too long, so, uh, what I would do is just, uh, trim them down, and just use the tips on those. No problem... {Red whacks one ski against the corner of the van. The ski effortlessly breaks in half.} RED GREEN: Yeah, uh, if you don't have a pair of these, you can pick them up real cheap at a garage sale every time a fat guy has one. {Red whacks the other ski against the van. Again, the ski breaks in half with ease. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the skis to the bottom of the door.} RED GREEN: All right, that's got her. But you know me, I like to be doing two things at once. That way, I can move slower. {goes over to a pair of salt shakers on an oil drum} I can also be salting and sanding while I'm plowing. That'll really get the neighbors talking. {holds up salt shakers} So what you wanna do is get yourself a couple of salt shakers from your local restaurant. You're thinking to yourself, "How the heck am I gonna get salt shakers from the restaurant?" {digs into his pocket and pulls out another salt shaker} I'll tell you something: deep pockets help. {chuckles, then quickly puts it back in his pocket} Oops, just a minute. All right, take the salt shakers {again takes the salt shakers and two rolls of duct tape} and attach them to your tires with the handyman's secret weapon. {Wipe to yet another later scene. Red has duct-taped the salt shakers to his van's tires.} RED GREEN: Boy, those units look pretty sharp, don't they? {Red holds up a heavy bag of sand, struggling under the weight, as he moves toward the back of the Possum Van.} RED GREEN: 'Course, the key to any kind of a snowplow is, you gotta have some weight in the back to make her work, so... I'm gonna throw a few yards of sand into the back of the van there. Not only will it give me the weight, the sand will sift right down through the rust holes in the floor there and sand the road. And rust the road. {finally reaches the back of the van, its doors open} All right. {Red drops the sand bag just inside the van trunk, grunting. He then feels the van floor.} RED GREEN: You know, that floor doesn't look too bad. I'm gonna have to punch some holes in that myself. {Red climbs into the van. Cut to a later scene. The doors are closed. Gunshot sounds are heard as the van suddenly shakes with each shot. Then, after a third shot, the doors open. Smoke billows out from inside the van. Red then emerges, holding a shotgun. He coughs.} RED GREEN: {loudly} Boy! Well, you might wanna wear ear protectors, if you... Can you hear me? {sniffs} Do you smell gas? Uh, can anybody hear me? Am I talking? Just a minute. {puts his hand to his ear, as if having trouble hearing} Hello? Hello? Oh, geez, my voice is gone! {Wipe to a later scene. Red tosses a shovel into the van's trunk and shuts the door.} RED GREEN: All right, now, you want a way that, uh, everybody's gonna be able to see you coming. So I went down to one of them garage sales, got myself a couple of turntables here. {Red shows off two record players duct-taped to the van roof. One player has a camping lantern and a red flashlight duct-taped to it. The other player has a big black flashlight taped to it.} RED GREEN: And these go real fast if you set them on 78 RPM. At least that's what my grandfather told me. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {Red climbs into the Possum Van and starts it up. The turntables spin rapidly, the lights on them lit up. He then drives the van away, only to spin out a few feet down the road and come to a stop.} Red's Sage Advice RED GREEN: Take a second to talk to you older fellas about anger. Now, I don't mean your own anger, because that, of course, is perfectly healthy and natural and really needs to be expressed. Oh, yeah. If you didn't express your anger, how would the rest of the world learn anything? No, no, I'm talking about other people's anger. You know, now, the first question that goes through your mind is, "What can I do to please this person?" The answer, of course, is, nothing! You assume that because they're angry at you, they're angry at you! Other people aren't angry at you. Or what you do or how you do it. They're just angry. Yeah, you happen to be handy for them to be angry at, that's all. So don't take it personally. Let me explain it another way: my wife, Bernice, is always chilly, always got the extra sweater on. Now, just because she's chilly, doesn't mean she's chilly at me. She's just chilly, you know? So some people are just tall, some people are just happy, some people are just angry. And the best way to deal with anger is the possum way: roll over and play dead. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you why: it's very hard to be angry at a dead thing. Just ask my wife. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Plot Segment 3 {Red enters the Lodge in a black hockey outfit. Harold, tuning his switcher, sees him and laughs loudly.} RED GREEN: Well... had a bit of a setback at our hockey practice today. HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} That's the worst team uniform I've ever seen! RED GREEN: {looking at his outfit} Well, we used to have the sponsor's logo on there, but they– they found it was hurtin' their business, so they ripped them all off. Actually, everybody's uniform looks like this. HAROLD GREEN: {sarcastically} Oh, matching sweaters! {Harold tries to say something else, but Red interrupts him.} RED GREEN: So, like I say, we were at the practice there, Buster Hadfield is in goal, and Moose Thompson comes just streaking down the left wing there, and he lets a slapper go. Holy mackerel! It hits Buster about four inches above the five hole. {cringes} HAROLD GREEN: Whoa, there's a– right up– Where is that? RED GREEN: You know how Buster has a false set of teeth? Well, now he has a falsetto voice. {grins, chuckles} HAROLD GREEN: Whoo! Wow, okay, okay! Yeah. Did he hit, like, a high C? RED GREEN: More like a high F, Harold. {chuckles} Yeah. Actually, he said the whole word. But the point is, uh, we're looking for a new goalie, and I'll tell ya something, Harold: {puts his hand on Harold's shoulder} you are our unanimous choice right there. {pats Harold on the shoulder} HAROLD GREEN: {astonished} Oh, me?! Yeah?! RED GREEN: There we go. HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no. RED GREEN: C'mon, Harold. You can wear as much padding as you want. HAROLD GREEN: No, no. RED GREEN: It won't be us shooting at you, it'll be the curlers. HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but no. RED GREEN: Harold? Harold? Harold? There'll be girls watching. {winks at Harold} HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all right. But you owe me big time! RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, get your coat on. {Harold removes his switcher from around his neck} Let's go, let's go. HAROLD GREEN: How come Buster wasn't wearing padding, y'know – Haw! – between the pipes? RED GREEN: Well, there's no point in protecting a part of his anatomy he never uses, eh? HAROLD GREEN: Oh. I guess that's why you don't wear a helmet, huh? {Harold goes a few feet away from Red to set his switcher down.} The Experts HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show, that portion of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say... {looks out at audience} HAROLD GREEN, AUDIENCE: {in unison} I DON'T KNOW! {Harold is revealed to be seated at a table with Red and Mike Hamar.} HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Imagine if they said that! Anyway, joining my uncle Red in this part of the show is his best friend, Mr. Mike Hamar! {shows off Mike, who waves} Welcome, Mike! {takes out letter} Okay, uh, the letter goes as follows: "Dear Experts, I find it impossible to get my husband and two teenagers away from the television for supper. I'd be overjoyed if they could just skip one half-hour of television so they could all sit down at the table, talk and eat together like a real family. What should I do? Whatever happened to the lost art of conversation?" MIKE HAMAR: Hmm... Well, I don't think any conversation that went on at my house could be considered art. It's more like sport. Contact sport. RED GREEN: Things get a little out of hand, did they? MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah, yeah, a lot of hubbub. You know, my uncle would be hiding under the couch, and somebody would be in the corner bleeding and... my dad was always in a bad mood because he was being arrested and... You know, the usual stuff. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, well, I think this particular viewer just wants to turn her TV off and have a simple dinner conversation. RED GREEN: Well, now, Harold, you know, it may not be that simple, you know, because this woman, she says she got a husband, she got a couple of teenagers. I'd say she's been married for quite a while now, you know. MIKE HAMAR: Well, not necessarily. My parents had their eighth anniversary when my youngest brother was 23. RED GREEN: Oh, okay, but– Okay, but they've been living together for a while, and when people've been living together a long time, sometimes they don't have anything to say to each other. MIKE HAMAR: Or you do try to say something casually at dinner, and, like, the next thing you know, your sister's being subpoenaed. I think that's the word for it. RED GREEN: Okay, all right, you know, and there's another– There's another dangerous side to this, Harold: when people don't have anything to say to each other, they end up criticizing each other. MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, and you don't want that at the dinner table, because these folks are packin' cutlery, right? You get somebody waving a steak knife around, and before you know it, you got an extra ear on the corn platter. HAROLD GREEN: {clearly uneasy} Well, here's my advice to that lady: just turn the TV off, 'cause there's no program as good as time spent with your family. MIKE HAMAR: Except for America's Most Wanted. That's the same as spending time with my family. Adventures With Bill Plot Segment 4 If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying Plot Segment 5 Fun Facts Explanations *Curling is a team sport played on ice. The sport, which involves sweeping a heavy stone toward a goal, is very popular in Canada, along with hockey. *Mike explains that a dinner conversation would result in one's sister being "subpoenaed". A subpoena is a court order which legally forces testimony or evidence be presented. Real-World References *Mike claims that watching America's Most Wanted is equivalent to "spending time with his family." Famous People *One of Dalton's guesses on the Word Game is "The Amazing Kreskin".